Anniversary

A year has gone...literally like the click of a finger! I find myself missing gaps...parts of this year seem to be so blurry in my mind. The first 6 months truly was like being in a bubble, complete survival mode and just doing what you need to do in order to survive - kinda felt like what they call an outer body experience. I can't believe that a year ago my life life got turned upside down, a year ago everything came to a standstill, a year a go i found myself in the biggest cul de sac ever. I felt claustrophobic and scared. But like i sasid, survival mode kicks in and some how one has the ability to keep breathing and move forward - even though it might only be in small, uncoordinated steps. You live by the second, you reflect on your faith - you wonder whether God is really all powerful, whether He really can get you out of this, you try and think of what good can possibly come out of a situation like this - you or at least i was filled with doubt and confusion, but miraculously you manage to not allow your doubt to destroy your faith and you still pray that God will take over that He will come and be your strength, that He will comfort you.You manage to, against everything your head is screaming, still believe that God loves you and still keep your faith. I have come to discover that doubt is negative, it makes you stronger, because it sets you on a journey of looking for answers and seeking God more.

This year has been so tough! I had my moments of just wanting to give in. Wanting to give in in so many ways, especially dropping out of varsity because i just didn't have the energy or the confidence that i could make a success of it. I want to say to day, that in the darkest of dark places, GOD IS THERE! He is everything He promised He is. He took over, He gave me the strength He provided me with the tangible support from my friends that i so needed. And He still does. A year later, and my emotions are running wild - i promised myself that i would not become all emotional this time of year, and year i am...not knowing what to do with myself. All those emotions just rise up again and i find myself being irritable and not the most friendliest person. I feel sad that i cant control it. But even now i still find that i am being comforted. God knows that i still need healing and He is healing me, in His awesome and good time. I am so thankful that i have been able to stand strong in my faith and to stand strong in life throughout this year and to not have given up. I actually feel rather proud of myself. But for that i truly can only thank God...for He has been my Father and He has been my lighthouse. He IS what He has promised!!

Day 1

Day 1 has come...it is almost impossible to believe. How all of this started about 10months ago and now it's right here. Today was the first day of moving out of being an orphan and opening myself to become part of the FF family. I can honestly say I was so nervous. It's funny, it's not like I haven't been there before...but moving from being a visitor to having to intergrate into the family...it's absolutely daunting...at least for me.

However God is good. I was feeling so nervous in the morning...for absolutely no reason :-( But the feeling soon disappeared and was overcome by an intense feeling of joy that I am doing the right thing. Marlize's ring reminded me of CC while standing there during worship...It was amazing as I realised we weren't alone or apart, we just weren't in the same place. We were all worshipping at more or less the same time...I stood there imagining how all the churches IN THE WORLD singing together at the same time must sound to God in heaven or while He is standing there in the midst of ALL of us. What a wonderful BEAUTIFUL thought! I realised that my family is increasing and even though I won't see them at CC so often we are all together. I decided that every time I look at the ring I would pray for CC and raise them to God. In that way I am still able to do something for them.

Thank you Lord for all You are, thank you for always providing. Lord You are so amazing!

Weeskind

Wow, ek kan nie glo die tyd het gekom nie. Ek voel senuweeagtig tot diep binne in my maag vir dit wat voorlê. Gisteraand was my laatse community, my offisiële laaste enige iets permanent by CC. En selfs al weet ek dat ek vir altyd deel sal wees van daai familie...kan ek nie help maar om hiedie uiterse gevoel van leegte te ervaar nie. Dis moeilik, want aan die eenkant los jy die familie wie jy jou hele lewe al ken, mense voor wie jy groot geword het, wat al jou goeie en slegte haarstyl dae saam met jou ervaar het...en aan die ander kant lê daar hierdie groot oop stuk van niks, nog geen familie nie, maar ook 'n area met soveel moontlik hede. Ek voel soos 'n weeskind. En dan natuurlik doen jou familie al hiedrie oulike goed om 'baai' te sê...ek was blown away. En vir 'n sekonde wonder mens of dit alles die moeite werd gaan wees...of mens regtig iets so great moet agterlos en die groot sprong in die black hole in moet vat. Ek het vir 'n oomblik daar gesit en dink ek wil nie...maar ek moet, ek moet gehoorsaam wees. Dis tyd om uit die comfort zone te kom en myself te vind en te groei.

Dis scary, ek het nie 'n beter woord daarvoor nie! Ek troos my daarin dat die Here weet wat die plan is! Here help my!

Exciting

Thank you Lord for answering my prayers!!!! You have provided for me in ways that I was unable to even imagine...thank you Lord for knowing the desires of my heart. Father thank you that You worked to prepare Peet and Marlize's heart in advance Lord and thank you for the response that they had. Father I pray that you will keep the foundations of my friendship with Marlize strong - that we will both make a effort for this friendship. It reaches so much further than seeing each other at church, but Lord there will be a gap now and I pray Lord that you will provide us with space to grow more outside of Corpus Christi.

Father I pray that you will prepare my heart for what is to come. Where i am growing more and more in excitement, I pray that you will lead me and guide me. Where decisions need to be made, Holy Spirit guide we to make them in in the will of God. I want to dwell in your presence. Father I give myself to Your will, come and fulfil Your will in me, so that I might reach people not in my strength but in yours. You are an awesome God. I have experienced Your love and grace so much in the past year and even I don't always understand I want to say thank you Lord that I may know You have the bigger picture Lord and that You are in the driver's seat of my vehicle. Thank you that You have bigger and better things in mind for me.
Amen.

Frustrasie

Ek kan dit nie meer vat nie. Ek is so moeg daarvan om slegte punte te kry. Ek is moeg daarvan dat selfs al probeer ek hoe hard, ek kan eenvoudig net nie my punte weer opgestoot kry nie. En ja die lewe is nie altyd maklik nie en die stress vlakke bly maar hoog...maar ek is siek en sat daarvan om dit as 'n verskoning te hê. I know i can do better. I am so flipping frustrated with myself and JUST passing. My potential is so much bigger than this...

:-(

Disturbed / Deurmekaar

I sometime have these moments when I feel like shoving my face in my pillow and just screaming my lungs out. I'd much prefer standing on the top of a mountain screaming, however that isn't always quite possible when living in the suburbs. Or sometimes you just wish you could sway a magic wand or read someone's mind. I feel like that with my dad...ek wens ek kan net verstaan wat in sy kop aangaan. Hoe hy voel en wat hy dink! I walk in to the room and what else would be on TV than and 18 movie on eTV. It disturbs me that he would even want to see something like that. Ek verstaan dit eenvoudig net nie. Een, dit is 'n klomp gemors en twee dit is beslis nie van God af nie. Pornography...where's do people's fascination with it lie. It hurts me to the deepest of my being...and the toughest thing is i walk in to the room and he doesn't utter a word. I mean does he think I am blind or is it that the whole world has turned invisible to him. He has become so self absorbed and self centred...and i truly wish i could blame it on damaged to the frontal lobe.

Sometimes I wish our family was more open on the level of our faith. Ek weet my ma is God se dogter en ek weet my pa is God se seun al gaan hy deur baie issues. I was raised in a way that has made me a God-loving person...but sometimes I just wish there was that deeper level of connectedness between all of us. I stand in awe of families like the Campbell's and the Batchelder's and to be honest I can't help but be filled with a small amount of jealousy. I get so overwhelmed by being in a setting with families like them...it is something so amazing and so special. And it always amazes me how they just make you feel at home as if you have been part of the family for years. I can't leave something like that without feeling re-energized and blessed and just connected even more to God. It's like He provides me with that experience even though it might not be in my own family. I pray that I will be able to raise my children in a way that they will know God is always first and that He will always be sitting there with us, talking with us and be part of our daily lives as has been shown my by my friends families.

Ek het vir lank gedink dis 'n kultuur ding en dat die afrikaanse families net nie so oop is in ons huise nie...maar iets anders het by my opgekom. There's a dynamic that comes into a family when the whole family are God-loving people, it brings an ability to share on a deeper level. It's something that i miss in my own home and that i wish I had. Like even though i know my brother respects me, i think he sometimes laughs in his heart when i get a bit too spiritual. One is only able to go so far. It's tough. I could potentially go to my dad and be like ' what are you doing, it's not right'...but there's such a fine line with him being depressed. I truly pray that my dad will be able to sort out his heart. Lord guide me in your will if i have to be part of that. Show me, because I am clue less.

I often feel so deurmekaar...so without a clue of what to do. When to push and when not to.

Here ek wil bid dat u my geduld sal gee met my pa, Here dat u in sy hart sal werk. Vader help my om sterk te staan in u sodat hy ook kan sterk staan in u. Dankie vir die krag wat u my gee om met my situasies te deal. Dankie dat u my nooit verlaat nie maar dat u altyd voorsien. Seën my vriende se families sodat hulle fokus altyd op u sal bly en dat hulle meer en meer mense sal aan raak soos wat hulle my aanraak.

Praise

The year of 21st's!!! Wow how exciting it has been and still is. Had the most amazing night at Jo's 21st last night...and ever since I've been thinking. Ahh Des, why you have to have such a busy brain...gosh. One's 21st birthday is one of the only nights in ones entire life where YOU are honoured and praised for the person you are in a way that you might not ever experience again (especially when it is done in the OT way). I mean, not even one's wedding is just about you, it's about you and your husband as a couple. So there is something special about 21st's.

I remember having somewhat mixed feelings on the night of my 21st party...A night that is right up there on the list of the best nights of my life. Feelings like absolute bliss, awe, natural high, appreciation, joy, being loved... but then I also felt so undeserving, i couldn't help but think what have I done to deserve such amazing words spoken about me, i remember sitting and wishing that i could just single out every person there, because i am only who i am because of the people God have surrounded me. And ofcourse there was a sadness for not being able to share that night with my dad like i always dreamed of...however the joy of having him there was greater.

I learnt a little lesson last night...because even being way nervous before the time i felt so much joy in being able to honour Jo and doing a speech about her. However, after my little thinking spree i realised even though i know she felt blessed, i was actually the one being honoured by being asked to do a speech. See there is something amazing about having people praise you at your own 21st...but there is something more special to being acknowledged as someone worthy of doing a speech. I was so blessed by Jo's speech at my 21st, but it was even more amazing to honour her in front of all her friends and family.

And after all of that I just saw a glimpse of Jesus...and in my mind i see Him as not being the one on the receiving end of the speeches, but rather being the one to deliver the speech. And i realised that i want to live my life more and more with my focus set on others. Yes, it is always nice to be praised for who you are...but i think we should learn to live our lives not seeking praise but rather giving it. I will cherish my 21st and the feelings i felt so that i can remember to praise others and know what feeling it might evoke in them.

Father I pray that you will help me to be always more and more selfless. To never seek gaining ground just for myself but to rather push forward those in front of me and pull up those who lag behind so that they may be encouraged and motivated. Father i ask that you will sharpen my senses more and more so that i may identify those who need to be encouraged and motivated. Help me to take my focus off the one and put it on the many as i know Jesus did. Thank you for blessing me endlessly Father and thank you for providing the necessary praise and encouragement when i need it too...help me to spread Your love to the nations.