A year has gone...literally like the click of a finger! I find myself missing gaps...parts of this year seem to be so blurry in my mind. The first 6 months truly was like being in a bubble, complete survival mode and just doing what you need to do in order to survive - kinda felt like what they call an outer body experience. I can't believe that a year ago my life life got turned upside down, a year ago everything came to a standstill, a year a go i found myself in the biggest cul de sac ever. I felt claustrophobic and scared. But like i sasid, survival mode kicks in and some how one has the ability to keep breathing and move forward - even though it might only be in small, uncoordinated steps. You live by the second, you reflect on your faith - you wonder whether God is really all powerful, whether He really can get you out of this, you try and think of what good can possibly come out of a situation like this - you or at least i was filled with doubt and confusion, but miraculously you manage to not allow your doubt to destroy your faith and you still pray that God will take over that He will come and be your strength, that He will comfort you.You manage to, against everything your head is screaming, still believe that God loves you and still keep your faith. I have come to discover that doubt is negative, it makes you stronger, because it sets you on a journey of looking for answers and seeking God more.
This year has been so tough! I had my moments of just wanting to give in. Wanting to give in in so many ways, especially dropping out of varsity because i just didn't have the energy or the confidence that i could make a success of it. I want to say to day, that in the darkest of dark places, GOD IS THERE! He is everything He promised He is. He took over, He gave me the strength He provided me with the tangible support from my friends that i so needed. And He still does. A year later, and my emotions are running wild - i promised myself that i would not become all emotional this time of year, and year i am...not knowing what to do with myself. All those emotions just rise up again and i find myself being irritable and not the most friendliest person. I feel sad that i cant control it. But even now i still find that i am being comforted. God knows that i still need healing and He is healing me, in His awesome and good time. I am so thankful that i have been able to stand strong in my faith and to stand strong in life throughout this year and to not have given up. I actually feel rather proud of myself. But for that i truly can only thank God...for He has been my Father and He has been my lighthouse. He IS what He has promised!!
